Monday, March 22, 2010

My mustard seed

"He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. " Mt. 17:20

So I went through my spice drawer and pulled out a mustard seed from my jar, went online and did my research of this peculiar seed that Jesus compared our faith to.
3mm in diameter, easy to cultivate and grows to be one of the largest plants where even birds can hide and rest in them.

The past couple weeks have been moments filled with insecurities, fears and doubts.
A few interactions with a couple people pushed me to the point where I began to question myself and our desire to adopt.
I forgot the conviction and calling God has given Sol and I and let my emotions take a hold of me.

Thankfully, a dear friend spoke some solid truth to me and reminded me of the calling God has given us to adopt. I feel so privileged and humbled that He would ask us to be part of such a beautiful journey. I don't feel equipped, but I know He will equip us. Our job is to persevere and walk with courage, completely surrender, trust, depend on Him and believe He will provide.

I suddenly realized that like any other plant, this tiny mustard seed can't grow unless it is planted with the appropriate soil and in the right climate.
Unfortunately, my mustard seed hadn't been planted in the right soil. I began this journey with my mustard seed planted in "Christine's soil" and not "God's soil" - His truth, His Word.

If I want my mustard seed to flourish and blossom to be a beautiful tree that symbolizes my faith in Him, then I have no option but to trust and believe that He will provide for every single need we have in order to bring this child home to us.
Trusting Him makes the impossible possible and with Him all the possibilities are endless. All the obstacles and expenses that have started to arrive and will continue to arrive are not impossible for Him but rather ways for Him to show us who He really is. I'm ready to plant my mustard seed in the right soil now cause I can't wait to watch Him MOVE THOSE MOUNTAINS!

"... you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

+ Positive +

If you've taken the home pregnancy test before and your result came out positive, what was YOUR immediate reaction?
Well, I cried and laughed and nearly gave my husband a heart attack both times.... and then suddenly I panicked. Because both of my pregnancies were unexpected and unplanned, I wasn't consciously taking care of my body the way I would have liked to. I didn't exercise or take all the prenatal vitamins like most doctors recommend if you plan on getting pregnant. Our pregnancies were sudden and quite a pleasant surprise. Thankfully, I didn't have high risk pregnancies, but I do believe every pregnancy is a risk. From the moment you find out you're pregnant to the moment you give birth to that beautiful little one, there is never a moment where you are not concerned about that precious life growing inside of you. You risk yourself and the baby's life with where you go, what you do, what you eat, etc. In fact, you are at one of your most vulnerable states when you are pregnant, especially the first trimester.

With adoption, you don't get the immediate results like a home pregnancy test that says "accepted, your child is on its way" or "positive." In fact, it's a long, enduring process, but so worth the wait!

So today, I felt the risk and the vulnerability of putting ourselves out there. Sol and I along with our two boys made our way to Postal Annex to get the remaining documents notarized and copied with the intention of sending all our necessary documents. As I went through my entire checklist (for the 50th time), I could feel my heart beating faster and faster.... it was 4:50, I had 10 minutes left to get everything mailed and out of my hands! I've been waiting 4 weeks for this moment!

Letter of application - check,
Birth certificate, marriage license, passports - check, check, check
reference letters - check
Will signed and dated - check
Bank reference - check, medical forms - check, autobiographies - check, financial statements signed and notarized -check.. check..check..check..check.
4 folders each completely filled with all 24 documents, signed,notarized and copied.

4:58 p.m. - ALL of our personal documents, pictures of our home inside and out and our autobiographies that contained every bit of who we are and our journey through life were packaged neatly in 4 different,beautifully designed folders. Before I knew it, they were sealed and thrown into a FedEx pile to join the rest of the packages. I felt like my heart was literally thrown in along into that pile.
Sol and I have spent 4 weeks working on retrieving every document necessary to complete this part of the adoption process. And to think, this is only the beginning! It could have been easy and tempting for us to give up and ask ourselves, is this even worth it? But we persisted and now we wait.

I expected a huge sigh of relief after completing and sending our package, but honestly, I felt even more overwhelmed and vulnerable. The reality is, we are taking a risk. In my mind, the risk isn't the challenges of what our child may bring, but it's the possibilites of our homestudy not getting approved or having to endure a longer wait than expected or not having enough money to finish our adoption process.

The risk of adoption is great, but the reward is even greater. Doesn't every child DESERVE to have someone take a RISK on them, to love and nurture them? Every child deserves it!
I love the free dictionary's definition of risk in the context of a verb: "to lay on the line, risk everything in one big effort."

RISK.

It puts in you in a place where you are most vulnerable and quite uncomfortable.
In this situation, Sol and I aren't physically taking a risk, but our hearts are.
My heart is already out there - laying on that line, loving our child and praying that God will give me the courage to persist this journey and trust that He has our child and loves this child more than we could ever love Him. It's not about us, it's about Him.

So whoever you are that is reading this, could you please lift us up in prayer? Would you pray that we would wait joyfully and patiently and that God would provide us the courage and the strength to persist through this journey of waiting and trusting.