Friday, March 15, 2013
6 months of plowing
It's been 6 months of hard work. 6 months of bonding with our kids, teaching them, trying to build a deep rooted foundation. 6 months of pouring into their wounded, hurting hearts.
6 months of " plowing the fields to prepare for the first season of healing..."
I'll admit... lately, I have been feeling pretty defeated. A few days ago I hid myself in my closet and threw a "mommy style" tantrum. How long will Sol and I be "plowing" in this same area of our field? How much longer until "this child" decides to reach out, grab our hand and never let go? How much longer until our children stop fighting and sabotaging themselves? When will our children start to relax and realize their extremely passive aggressive behaviors are not a successful way of communicating? I know, I know... it takes time. But at that moment of my tantrum... I didn't want "THAT answer"... I just needed hope. Honestly, right then and there... I wanted a quick fix.
During one of my lengthy conversations with our 8 year old daughter, I asked her to stop and take a few deep breaths to get her to relax and reminded her that she was only fighting herself. I let her cry and gave her the freedom to express her pain. As exhausted as I was, I tried so hard to communicate our love and God's love to her. At the end, we both realized that she didn't even know what love means.
I took a few deep breaths and gave her a tight hug. I was out of words...I hoped and prayed that my hug would be just enough in that moment to pour into her confused and broken heart. There was nothing more I could say or do that would provide instant healing.
Our journey seems so heavy, lonely and overwhelming at times that it's easy for me to forget that He never asked us to do this alone. He promised that He would equip us even during the moments where we feel so deflated.
This week was just one of "those" weeks, full of home school battles, defiance, passive/aggressive attitudes, doctor's appointments etc... Perhaps we started on the wrong foot or maybe it's been 6 months of hard work and I have finally hit the wall. I felt alone, exhausted and so depleted of patience and grace. I had friends (non-adoptive) that tried to comfort me by relating their parenting struggles with ours... I have always been so grateful for their support... but this time I so badly wanted to remind them that "it is not the same... adopted children bring completely different challenges...it's as if we have 3 kids with special needs." As much as I didn't like how sensitive I was... I realized it was brought on from my own weariness.
Adoption is beautiful... but it is undoubtedly hard work. It's days, months, years of plowing the fields of our children's hearts for various seasons of healing and freedom. Every moment and every day counts. As defeated and exhausted as I feel right now... the plowing must continue.
I can't blame our children for their defiant, manipulative behaviors. They had to survive and it's taken them years to become this way... it's not their fault and neither is it our fault for not being able to attach with them in the way that we had hoped for by 6 months. I am slowly learning to set low expectations of myself each day, say "good-bye" to guilt and genuinely be thankful for what God has blessed me with.
On the other hand, when mommy is running on empty... the rest of the family suffers. My goal for tomorrow and the next is that I will find a way to take care of me. And yet even on days when there is no time for me... I know that
"..my God will meet all your(my) needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."
Posted by Christine